Just as we begin to think that we
are about to put an end to a social evil
called “Dowry” given by a girl’s parents to the bridegroom and his family, a
reverse which I have exclusively termed “male dowry” seems to be slowly putting its head
up....
A couple of days ago I was with a
group of my girlfriends, all with married
or marriageable sons and daughters now.....Marriage and how, was the hot topic
of the day....some of these girls already have sons/daughters-in-law.
The discussion was going good,
each sharing their experiences as mothers-in-law or as mothers seeking
brides/bridegrooms for their respective wards.
Surprisingly, the mothers of
daughters seemed to want a lot, apart from a well educated bridegroom from a
good family. Not only did they want this but they wanted the boy to be ‘well-settled’....and
this one thing made me ask what that ‘well-settled’
aspect meant, because in our times the criteria of good education
and a good family were parents topmost choice.
And what came out seemed like
they expected a ‘male-dowry” ie they wanted the boy to have a flat/apartment
house of his own, at least a latest two-wheeler if not four-wheeler, a good
bank balance et all...and all this at a very young age of 28 -30 years(as if their highly educated daughters already had all this because of their high education and at this age of 28-30...:)...).... Our
daughters are highly educated and they must have husbands who should be earning at least an annual salary of seven figures they said (as if , by
educating themselves their daughters seemd to have done the universe a favou..:)...)had
turned to be the. Also, in the same tone they mentioned that they would not
give any dowry (we are educated people you know and against dowry, they said) and the marriage expenses too were to be
shared fifty fifty.
I was utterly shocked at their expectation
and all this got me thinking. They were
educated enough to get the bridegrooms family to divide expenses of the
marriage ceremony, and not GIVE any dowry......But were they not expecting
RECEIVING the dowry, termed as a ‘settled’ boy.
They wanted the boy to have all that which one earns after years of a ‘working
life’. So indirectly, the boy better have this if only from his parents? and then it struck me , it was a well-hidden "male-dowry" that they wanted!
In my own case, my husband was just 25 years
old and me 23 when we got married. Forget
‘settled’ but he
barely earned a salary which was just enough for the family (a joint one) to
survive for a month. Both of us were too proud to ask our parents for anything.
I started work too and helped put in my bit to help in the household finances...Slowly
and steadily we worked together to make a life and made more than we expected
to have done when we started. Yes, we had our share of insecurities, lots of
struggle to reach where we did, but always remained hardworking and
self-motivated. Never did I think that ‘making a life’ was just the
responsibility of my husband. We did what we could, how we could, by supporting
each other in all ways. And looking back, there are no regrets, only a very deep
feeling of satisfaction!
I wonder why don’t the ‘educated parents’ of ‘these highly educated’
girls don’t feel the same way today especially since the educated parents of boys seem to be understanding enough to
come out of the age-old traditions of dowry and spendings! Why do they not inculcate a feeling of ‘working
together’ and making a life? Why do they insist on
everything to be readymade from the boy’s side?. Are they now trading their
girl’s education for the ‘male dowry’ ie they educated her so that she could
help get the dowry for herself? If their girls are really educated , are they
not capable of supporting their husbands in all ways to make a life instead of
expecting a readymade one? Is not making a life together more fun and
satisfying?
Another aspect that horrified me
was they did not want the elders to be staying with the newly-weds, as if they
expected their daughters to be only young and newly-wed all their life! In today’s day and time, even the elders
wish that the young ones have their privacy and try their best to give them
that but does that mean that the elders of the house are to be done away with??
What about the old and ailing ones?
It is also common to hear these
days that these girls do not know to cook. It seems very “hep” to say, but you
know what I don’t know to cook (wonder then, why they want to marry and upset
their present rocking lives, at all??just because their ‘educated parents’
think it is the right thing to do??...:)....:)...) Funny that, since I tell my son that in today’s
day he must be qualified not only technically but also in the kitchen. There are
days when we cook together so that he is capable of leading a life to support his partner in every way. It
is the least he can do to help her. (Not to mention, there is so much else!)
In conclusion, I would say that
whatever age or era, the real criteria must continue to remain ‘good education’
and by this I mean REAL EDUCATION not a male/female dowry-seeking FANCY DEGREE! (and this after you have found the boy/girl you chose with
responsibility to say “I do!”) It is important to inculcate in your boy/girl
child that if one wants to live a happily married life , it is about working at
everything together as a team of two grown-up, mature individuals and not somebody
who wants to live off dowries, male or female. Do your best and be assured, the
Almighty will take care of the rest!
However, if this new trend of the
‘male dowry’ continues, guess, very soon, we will have NGOs coming up to mainly
fight another cause of social evil which I have neologized and termed “male-dowry”
PS : My friends , this is only
applicable to those thinking in terms of “male-dowry” and not everyone. This is
not ‘generalized’ for all you rocking parents of girls up there...:)
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